After a long time of absence I'm finally back.
Azrael already told you that I was not online because of health problems. But 8 weeks is a really long time and so now I will go more into detail for those who are interested. ... It's not easy to tell you all these things because this is really peronal ... but I want my friends here to know.
Some of you already know that I was studying to become a teacher and that I finished university by passing the final university exams called "Erstes Staatsexamen" last December. The exam time was really hard - almost 10 months of learning and preparing were really strengh consuming. But I made it through and I was quite satisfied with the exam results.
After finishing university teachers in training have to go on with the second part of the education - 2 years of working at a school with the help of a teacher. Then there is a second huge exam called "Zweites Staatsexamen". Although during my university studies I got more and more aware of the fact that I don't really want to become a teacher, I still wanted to finish my education and go all the way to the second exam because it is important to have a degree. Finding a job is a whole lot more difficult without it. But the practical work at school only starts with the new school year, so I had to wait from January to September. I found a job as graphic artist to make some money in the meantime.
My work turned out to be really stressful. In addition several financial and personal problems arose. Although I would have needed some relaxation after the first exam, my life became more and more exhausting. And finally in June my body began to respond. My health got worse and I even was not able to get out of the house alone. My cardiovascular system was in bad shape and I got weaker and weaker. I had to struggle with dizziness, sickness and panic attacks. I got really scared and my health problems started to form a depression within me. This depression again influenced my health. It was a downwards spiral that lasted for a long time. I was overstrained with the situation and I retreated from social life and the internet. Fortunately my boss let me work from home so I could at least keep my job.
In time I began to ask myself what I would do about my practical education at school - there was not a chance of getting through it in my condition and it didn't seem that anything would get better till September. I got even more scared. Would I really have to skip my education??
My beloved Azrael and my caring friend Taibu tried to help me as good as they could. So did some other close friends of mine. They helped me find out, what was wrong with my body (I didn't know by then and no doctor seemed to be able to find anything) and after finding out that the whole thing is a mental problem we tried to find the cause. It got clear that I had to make some significant changes in my life. For example the thought of having to work in a school seemed to trouble me a lot. Working as a teacher in the kind of school I was about to work in is really difficult and I don't seem to have what it takes to get along there. It could make me even more sick. But skipping an education is a really hard decision to make and I had great difficulties with it. My family and me put a whole lot of work, time and money into it. Giving this up seemed to be a really bad step. But trying to get through didn't seem to work either. Looking closely at all pros and contras we finally decided that it was best for me to not go on with the practical education but start over again and learn something different - like graphic design.
I really had a hard time preparing myself to tell my parents about this decision. I was scared that they wouldn't understand and that they would turn away from me. Or that they would just force me to finish. However, I finally told them and although some of the talks were really hard, it's OK with most of my family members now. Fortunately!
Then Azrael and me had to decide what to do next. We talked about moving from Würzburg to Vienna (in Austria) as the job situation and the training opportunities are better there than in Germany. Again a hard decision to make as for me this means moving far away from my parents and grandparents and some close friends. The distance is especially hard to bear for my grandmother. And there were still the financial and personal troubles which seemed to get worse. It sure was a hard time. However, we decided to move and the rest happened very quickly. Azrael found a job, we found a nice flat and we moved.
I'm living in Vienna for a week now and things are getting a little more quiet. Some problems are solved and my friends in Vienna help make me feel at home here as good as they can. I'm slowly recovering. I'm trying to get well as soon as I can so I can start my graphic design studies or find a job until I can start my studies.
That's pretty much a summary of what happened to me in the last months. I hope you understand. Thank you for reading! (I dodn't know if some of the words I chose really are used for what I want to say with them. I'm sorry if I didn't find the right words and the text may sound funny at times.)
And thank you very much for the nice comments and get-well-messages!
I missed you!
Greetings from Vienna
(Friends can ask for my new address and phone number via note.)